My Favorite Bible Passages

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. -- Jon Stewart

Samuel 18:27

David wants to marry Saul’s daughter, so he asks how much money to buy her (this is a common practice, selling your children). Saul say he doesn’t want money, he want’s David to kill 100 Philistines & bring him their foreskins (nasty). So David kills 200, cuts off their skins & buys himself a wife.



Ezekiel 9:4

God was unhappy with the people of Israel, so he told Ezekiel & his men to "Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women.", so they killed everyone except for a few men.

Leviticus 21:16

God reveals to Moses that he doesn’t like handicapped people, or dwarfs, or people with blemishes, or moles, or damaged testicles, or funny noses. I guess god only likes perfect people, hey Hitler had the same little quirk.

Exodus 22:3

Here is a great law God gives us. If a poor person steals something, they will be sold into slavery to make restitution for their thievery. Awesome!

Luke 8:27

Here is a good exorcism story. There was a man (or two) who was possessed by many demons. So Jesus casts out the demons & sends them into a herd of pigs that the townspeople are raising. The pigs freak out & run off of a cliff to their death. This upsets the townspeople & they ask Jesus to leave. Way to go JC, now what are the townspeople going to do for food?

Song of Solomon

This whole thing is a big soft core porn story.

“Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” She ‘aint talking about making a salad!

Genesis 6:5

This is a good one. God sees that the earth is too violent, so he comes up with a plan to deal with it. More violence! You bet. If you just kill everyone that will do the trick, right? Round up the animals & start the rain. You think this is where the phrase “Kill ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out” started?

Deuteronomy 22:13

Getting rid of a pesky wife is easy, no need for divorce just follow these steps.

Step 1: Claim she wasn’t a virgin when you married her.

Step 2: Gather your friends & stone her to death on her fathers’ doorstep.

That was easy now, wasn’t it?

Genesis 4:2

This is the story of two brothers: Cain & Able (the first kids on the earth). Cain became a farmer, while his brother tended sheep. One day Able made a sacrifice (killing) one of newborn sheep to god. Not wanting to miss out on sacrificing stuff Cain offered some veggies. It seems God is not much on salad, because he liked Abel’s sacrifice better. This, of coarse, upset Cain to the point where he couldn’t take it & he just killed Able. When God asked Cain where his brother was, Cain said “I don’t know” (that’s what kids always say), so God cursed him & banished him. The morale: don’t be a vegetarian.

Genesis 19:8 & 19:30

Remember Lot? He was the one who god spared when he burnt to death every man, woman & child in the cities of Sodom & Gomorra, because he was a good guy. Here is an interesting little tidbit about Lot. When a crazed mob shows up at his door he offers them his two virgin daughters(they really weren’t virgins, he was lying) to appease them. Later on he gets drunk & knocks both of them up. What a great family story.

Exodus 2:11

Surely then Moses was a good guy. Except when he murdered an Egyptian man while no one was looking, then hid his body in the sand. Bad Moses!

Exodus 29:11 (plus many more in Leviticus)

How to worship god, an instructional lesson: First kill some animals, then chop them into pieces, pull out their guts, wave them around in the air, get blood all over the place, and lastly set them on fire. Death & blood; God is happy. And you thought dancing with snakes was weird.

Numbers 15:32

The Israelites found a man gathering sticks one Sunday. Of coarse this is a no-no, as it is working on the Sabbath. So god told them to stone him to death (that seems fair), which they did. Now, since they picked up rocks & pummeled this poor guy until he was dead, wouldn’t that be considered work? They should have stoned themselves to death also.

Numbers 31:1

Moses sent his armies to kill the Midianites, but when they returned Moses found out they hadn’t killed everyone, they have spared the women & children (how dare them). Moses is furious & tells them to kill everyone, except the virgin females & they can keep them for themselves (if you know what I mean). Does that make Moses a psychopath or a sociopath? I get the two confused.

Judges 19:22

Gang rape & murder in the bible? Oh yes, right here to teach at your next Sunday school class. Listen up kiddies, & you shall learn. A man takes a weary traveler & concubine into his house. A mob of perverts (there were apparently a lot of these around) demands they release the traveler to them. The man says no, but you can have my virgin daughter or the concubine to satisfy you. They take the concubine & gang rape her all night long & leave her on the steps where she dies the next morning. The traveler was so distraught about his dead concubine that he cut her into 12 pieces & sent the pieces to different parts of Israel. The End. What a story. What a religion.

1 Samuel 17:50, 51

David killed Goliath with a rock, or was it a sword, no a rock, no a sword, no… Anyway verse 50 & 51 don’t even know, but he killed him, chopped off his head & paraded around with it. It doesn’t matter how he did it as David would go on to mercilessly dismember, burn & kill thousands more people. What a role model.

Genesis 22:2

God told Abraham to offer his only son as a sacrifice to him. So Abraham got hit son, placed him on a pile of wood to burn him & proceeded to stab him with a knife. At the last minute God tells him, “Just testing” & lets his son live. What a nasty trick.

Exodus 33:23

God tells Moses that he cannot see his face, but he can see his "back parts", in other words God moons Moses.